The things I've learned are not always things that make me feel good. Today is one of those days.
I’ve learned I am selfish. Anna requires a tremendous amount of care and is a constant source of concern. I am often annoyed if I have to stop doing something to take care of Anna’s needs. She can have several seizures in a twenty-four hour period. She takes medicine three times a day. She can’t dress herself, brush her teeth or hair, tie her shoes, fix a meal or snack, take herself to the bathroom, and absolutely cannot be left in the backyard by herself.
Anna is almost 22-years old, but functions at about 18 months. I've had a toddler for 20 years! I'm tired of doing everything for her. I'm tired of worrying about the future. Tired of not getting a good night's sleep. Of listening to her almost constant babbling and repeated words. Of her many demands. The very second we sit down to a hot meal, she has to go to the bathroom. Seriously! We have to turn up the TV too loud because she always, ALWAYS has to have a video playing, even if she doesn't watch it. I can't make a single plan without taking her care into consideration.
Autism does not understand anyone else’s needs, wants, feelings or desires. It is totally self-absorbed. I know all this, and Anna can’t help it, yet I continue to struggle inside.
And you know what I'm the most sick of? Myself. Yes, I've learned I'm incredibly selfish and I'm not proud of it. It's a daily battle with some victories, but mostly, I'm losing this war. It makes me thankful Anna doesn't notice. But it doesn't make it right.
Anyone else out there with me?
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