I've been quiet for a while, as you've noticed. I thought about blogging, but I didn't have anything new to say. I'm still exhausted. I still don't want to be the parent of a special needs child. Anna still gets up way to early. This morning it was 3:30am. I tried to get her to go back to sleep and thought I succeeded; however, at 4am she had a seizure.
You may think a person would sleep after a seizure. Some do. Some don’t. Anna typically doesn't. So, I fought with her for another 45 minutes before I couldn't stand it anymore and we got up at 4:45am.
I went through the usual routine of bathing and dressing her, all the while grumbling, complaining and resenting it all. I told her she was a pain in the backside and didn't care about anyone but herself. She responded with, "You're silly!"
Really.
It doesn’t matter what I say – how inappropriate or horrible – she just doesn't get it. Maybe that's good. I don't know. But it's awfully frustrating for me to vent my feelings only to have her give me the kiss sound. It's enough to make a person scream. She's a better person than I am.
After I did the medication/breakfast thing, I sat on the couch and wept. Deep wrenching sobs that made my head and throat hurt. I really do hate myself some days. I told the Lord I can't do this for the rest of my life. I told Him how sad and tired I am. I wondered why I needed such a heavy burden.
"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world."
That Scripture popped in my head and my heart was filled with peace. Can you imagine if Jesus hadn't overcome the world? We'd all be weeping and tearing our hair out. There would be no peace. No hope. No joy in the Lord.
Take heart with me today. The pain you feel may not subside, but you'll find the strength to go on. That's what I'm going to do today.
Encouragement from a fellow special mama
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