“You’re so lucky Anna is the way she is,” my sister said to me one afternoon. We had taken our kids to the park to play, and while her girls argued and tormented each other, Anna sat quietly in my lap and played with stones while my younger daughter, Mary, enjoyed the swings.
I couldn’t believe she actually said it. For a moment, I stared at her. Then I said, “Well, your girls are going to grow up and leave. I’ll have Anna for the rest of my life.”
The rest of my life.
I don’t think I realized it until that day. Not really. And that started a downward spiral in my thoughts and emotions that is still in place today. Feelings which I kept locked tight within for fear of what someone would think if they ever found out.
How do you feel about maybe having your child for the rest of your life? Do you feel anxious? Robbed? Terrified? Me, I'm scared to death. What will happen when I can do it anymore? What if Anna outlives me?
Fortunately, we have our younger daughter, Mary, who is great with Anna and understands she will be guardian someday. We have things in place right now that will enable us to keep Anna with us for as long as possible. But really. The idea of having Anna when I'm 90 totally freaks me out. And the idea of not having Anna when I'm 90 totally freaks me out. What the heck?
So, what do I do? I pray the Lord will take Anna before I can't take care of her anymore. What else can I do? I can't imagine the difficulty someone would have, trying to explain to Anna where Mommy is. It breaks my heart thinking she'll look and look and I won't be there. Dear God, please have mercy!
Encouragement from a fellow special mama
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7/31/2020
A Sister's Love
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5/16/2019
Medical Moms
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1/26/2019
The Power of Doritos
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5/7/2018
Yay For Friends!
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1/9/2018
Show You!
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9/11/2017
Happy? 26th Birthday, Anna
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5/15/2017
Re-grouping
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3/14/2017
We can relate!
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9/1/2016
A Little Fall Fun
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10/18/2015
Going Commando
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10/5/2015
So Behind
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9/22/2015
Stares and Storytime
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4/12/2015
Big Big Changes
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3/27/2015
Blog Post on Autism
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9/22/2014
The Power of Pets
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Depression's Demands
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8/15/2014
Do We or Don't We?
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8/4/2014
Falling Down
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6/22/2014
Research Study
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5/23/2014
Who goes? Who stays?
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5/19/2014
Being Thankful
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4/25/2014
Excellent Article
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4/7/2014
Jury Duty and Holland
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3/27/2014
I Confess
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3/17/2014
The Dreaded Medication Change
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3/4/2014
Keeping It Together - part seven
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2/24/2014
Keeping it Together - part six
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2/10/2014
A Milestone Day
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2/3/2014
Keeping it together - part five
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1/21/2014
Keeping It Together - part four
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1/3/2014
Keeping it Together - part three
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12/16/2013
Keeping it Together - part two
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12/9/2013
Keeping it Together - part one
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12/5/2013
Catching Up
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11/13/2013
The Perfect House
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10/25/2013
Another Mom in the Mix
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10/7/2013
Grieving the Loss
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9/24/2013
Great article
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9/11/2013
This and That
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9/9/2013
Fun in the ER
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8/30/2013
Bless me, Anna!
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8/14/2013
Talk to me, Anna!
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8/8/2013
God's Will
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7/30/2013
Update on Anna's bloodwork
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7/24/2013
Stirring the Cesspool
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7/11/2013
Vacation and Other Fun Stuff
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7/3/2013
A Day at the Beach
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6/17/2013
Anna's Surgery Experience
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6/5/2013
No Place For Anna
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5/26/2013
Painful Gifts
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5/21/2013
Happy 22nd Birthday, Anna!
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5/15/2013
A Rough Day
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5/6/2013
Things I've Learned - part five
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4/30/2013
Things I've Learned - part four
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4/22/2013
Things I've Learned - part three
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4/15/2013
Things I've Learned - part two
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4/9/2013
Interview with Terri Groh
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4/5/2013
Things I've Learned - part one
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4/3/2013
The Things People Say - part eight
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3/27/2013
Comparisons
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3/18/2013
Why Is It A Blessing?
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3/11/2013
Tim's Place
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3/8/2013
New Medication Worries
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3/5/2013
A Night Out for Anna
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2/25/2013
Play it again, Sam
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2/20/2013
Happy Birthday
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2/15/2013
The Anna Bowl
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2/4/2013
The Queen of Babble-on
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1/30/2013
Really, people?
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1/25/2013
Cold Feet
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1/23/2013
Hearing God
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1/15/2013
Running Away
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1/10/2013
Post-Christmas-Reentry-Syndrome
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1/4/2013
Emmanuel, God With Us
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12/17/2012
Take Heart
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12/7/2012
Jumping in the Leaves
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11/27/2012
Being Thankful
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11/19/2012
Patience and Love and Wretchedness
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11/13/2012
A Typical Halter Vacation
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11/8/2012
Is This Really My Life?
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11/1/2012
Frankenstorm
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10/27/2012
A Small Victory at Anna's Program
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10/24/2012
Update on the problem at Anna's program
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10/22/2012
The Fight Goes On
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10/19/2012
Fighting the Good Fight
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10/18/2012
Sit down, Anna
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10/16/2012
The Things People Say - conclusion
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10/15/2012
The Cloaking Device
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10/12/2012
The Things People Say - part seven
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10/11/2012
The Things People Say - part six
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10/10/2012
The Things People Say - part five
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10/9/2012
The Things People Say - part four
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10/4/2012
The Things People Say - part three
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10/3/2012
The Things People Say - part two
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10/2/2012
The Things People Say - part one
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10/1/2012
Godzilla Lives at my House
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The Early Bird Gets Eaten
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9/26/2012
Over and Over Again
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9/25/2012
What Good Are Seizures?
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Why Me?
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9/20/2012
The Rest of my Life?
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Feelings
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9/18/2012