Comparisons are hard. They are the enemy. I hate doing it, but I always do. I often look at families with "normal" children and think they have it sooo easy. Then I look at families with children who are more disabled than Anna and I think I should feel blessed. But I don't.
I spent the day last week at Anna's program. We baked Irish soda bread in the morning and did crafts in the afternoon. I couldn’t help but compare Anna to her friends. In some ways, she's "better" than the others. In some ways, she's not. I left feeling conflicted, even though we had a good day and the kids seemed to enjoy having me there.
Comparing wreaks havoc on my emotional system. It stirs up emotions that make me feel ugly, inadequate, frustrated, and unchristian. It leaves me discontented. I walk around the house grumbling to myself and grumbling to God.
"Why did You chose this for me?"
"Wasn't autism enough? She has to have seizures, too?"
"Couldn't I serve You better if I didn't have to take care of Anna?"
"Do I really have to do this for the rest of my life?"
"Don't You love me?"
"So and so really seems to love being the parent of a special needs child. Are they for real?"
And the worst: "Why doesn't so and so take the same care with their child as I do with Anna?"
A friend reminded me of John 21:21-22 When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?" Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."
Talk about being in your face.
So, what the heck do we do when we want to compare ourselves with others? I can only answer for myself. I have to be aware of my thoughts. I have to force myself to stop comparing. I have to focus on myself and keep my eyes on the Lord. We all have our own burdens and problems, right? I always say it doesn't matter the source – the emotions feel the same. Worry is worry. Sorrow is sorrow. Anger is anger. Frustration is frustration. Joy, pain, sadness, guilt. They feel the same to each one of us, no matter what causes them. And we all react to them differently. So, I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else. I just wish it wasn't so hard some days.
Encouragement from a fellow special mama
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Comparisons
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The Things People Say - part six
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The Things People Say - part five
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