Can I say this? I hate being the parent of a special needs child. It never ends. It goes on and on and on. I want my life back. I don't want to do this anymore!!!! I'm sick and tired of the constant worry and frustration. I'm always on call. I never, EVER rest. And I'm SO tired, when I do stay in bed after Anna gets out, she inevitably has a seizure, falls down and gets hurts. I'm sick of doctor's offices, hospitals, blood work and ER runs. I'm tired of fighting with the school and child study team. I can't bear the thought she might outlive me. I can't stand cleaning up her messes, feeding her, brushing her teeth, getting her bathed and dressed and taking her to the potty.
Oh, and let's not forget her constant babbling. Sometimes, she'll say something I can understand, like, "aw, Mommy," (which she'll say 25 times before I tell her to stop) but most of the time it's words from a video or simply repetitive sounds. It's like Chinese water torture. I don’t want to do this for ONE MORE MINUTE.
SIGH.
Where is the blessing in a child with autism? Where is the blessing in a child so self absorbed, she doesn't even care about her own safety? All she knows is what she wants when she wants it. She cares nothing for anyone's feelings. She gives nothing back, except for an occasional hug – and that carries little weight when the responsibility and problems seem insurmountable. I want my life back. I want my life back. I want my life back!!
And on the heels of the frustration and pain comes guilt. You know what? I'm sick and tired of feeling guilty, too. I'm so tired of beating myself up over what I determine is a failure on my part to be a good Christian mommy. I'm tired of feeling judged by people who don't have a child like Anna. And I'm tired of the condescending attitude of parents who do – and seem to enjoy every minute with their child. Are they for real? I mean, I'm not putting them down. I wish I could get there. THAT would be a blessing.
Worry, stress, exhaustion, frustration, guilt. All these things rule most of my days. I get very little relief from them. When I do get a break, it doesn't last long before it all comes crashing back with a vengeance. Dear God, please help me!
The cry for help is where it starts. What you've just read is not how I feel every day, but there are times when it overwhelms me and I throw my head back and wail. It helps to get it out.
Where are you today? Share with us, if you want. The burden will grow lighter, and while the circumstances of your life won't change, you'll know someone has heard you.
What If She Outlives Me?
pam
10/30/2024
Good from Covid?
pam
5/18/2023
Encouragement from a fellow special mama
pam
7/31/2020
A Sister's Love
pam
5/16/2019
Medical Moms
pam
1/26/2019
The Power of Doritos
pam
5/7/2018
Yay For Friends!
pam
1/9/2018
Show You!
pam
9/11/2017
Happy? 26th Birthday, Anna
pam
5/15/2017
Re-grouping
pam
3/14/2017
We can relate!
pam
9/1/2016
A Little Fall Fun
pam
10/18/2015
Going Commando
pam
10/5/2015
So Behind
pam
9/22/2015
Stares and Storytime
pam
4/12/2015
Big Big Changes
pam
3/27/2015
Blog Post on Autism
pam
9/22/2014
The Power of Pets
pam
9/12/2014
Depression's Demands
pam
8/15/2014
Do We or Don't We?
pam
8/4/2014
Falling Down
pam
6/22/2014
Research Study
pam
5/23/2014
Who goes? Who stays?
pam
5/19/2014
Being Thankful
pam
4/25/2014
Excellent Article
pam
4/7/2014
Jury Duty and Holland
pam
3/27/2014
I Confess
pam
3/17/2014
The Dreaded Medication Change
pam
3/4/2014
Keeping It Together - part seven
pam
2/24/2014
Keeping it Together - part six
pam
2/10/2014
A Milestone Day
pam
2/3/2014
Keeping it together - part five
pam
1/21/2014
Keeping It Together - part four
pam
1/3/2014
Keeping it Together - part three
pam
12/16/2013
Keeping it Together - part two
pam
12/9/2013
Keeping it Together - part one
pam
12/5/2013
Catching Up
pam
11/13/2013
The Perfect House
pam
10/25/2013
Another Mom in the Mix
pam
10/7/2013
Grieving the Loss
pam
9/24/2013
Great article
pam
9/11/2013
This and That
pam
9/9/2013
Fun in the ER
pam
8/30/2013
Bless me, Anna!
pam
8/14/2013
Talk to me, Anna!
pam
8/8/2013
God's Will
pam
7/30/2013
Update on Anna's bloodwork
pam
7/24/2013
Stirring the Cesspool
pam
7/11/2013
Vacation and Other Fun Stuff
pam
7/3/2013
A Day at the Beach
pam
6/17/2013
Anna's Surgery Experience
pam
6/5/2013
No Place For Anna
pam
5/26/2013
Painful Gifts
pam
5/21/2013
Happy 22nd Birthday, Anna!
pam
5/15/2013
A Rough Day
pam
5/6/2013
Things I've Learned - part five
pam
4/30/2013
Things I've Learned - part four
pam
4/22/2013
Things I've Learned - part three
pam
4/15/2013
Things I've Learned - part two
pam
4/9/2013
Interview with Terri Groh
pam
4/5/2013
Things I've Learned - part one
pam
4/3/2013
The Things People Say - part eight
pam
3/27/2013
Comparisons
pam
3/18/2013
Why Is It A Blessing?
pam
3/11/2013
Tim's Place
pam
3/8/2013
New Medication Worries
pam
3/5/2013
A Night Out for Anna
pam
2/25/2013
Play it again, Sam
pam
2/20/2013
Happy Birthday
pam
2/15/2013
The Anna Bowl
pam
2/4/2013
The Queen of Babble-on
pam
1/30/2013
Really, people?
pam
1/25/2013
Cold Feet
pam
1/23/2013
Hearing God
pam
1/15/2013
Running Away
pam
1/10/2013
Post-Christmas-Reentry-Syndrome
pam
1/4/2013
Emmanuel, God With Us
pam
12/17/2012
Take Heart
pam
12/7/2012
Jumping in the Leaves
pam
11/27/2012
Being Thankful
pam
11/19/2012
Patience and Love and Wretchedness
pam
11/13/2012
A Typical Halter Vacation
pam
11/8/2012
Is This Really My Life?
pam
11/1/2012
Frankenstorm
pam
10/27/2012
A Small Victory at Anna's Program
pam
10/24/2012
Update on the problem at Anna's program
pam
10/22/2012
The Fight Goes On
pam
10/19/2012
Fighting the Good Fight
pam
10/18/2012
Sit down, Anna
pam
10/16/2012
The Things People Say - conclusion
pam
10/15/2012
The Cloaking Device
pam
10/12/2012
The Things People Say - part seven
pam
10/11/2012
The Things People Say - part six
pam
10/10/2012
The Things People Say - part five
pam
10/9/2012
The Things People Say - part four
pam
10/4/2012
The Things People Say - part three
pam
10/3/2012
The Things People Say - part two
pam
10/2/2012
The Things People Say - part one
pam
10/1/2012
Godzilla Lives at my House
pam
9/27/2012
The Early Bird Gets Eaten
pam
9/26/2012
Over and Over Again
pam
9/25/2012
What Good Are Seizures?
pam
9/21/2012
Why Me?
pam
9/20/2012
The Rest of my Life?
pam
9/19/2012
Feelings
Pam
9/18/2012