Today's blog post is going to be really honest and raw. Please don't think less of me when you read it.
Last week, Anna was home sick from program because she caught that 24 hour stomach bug that's been going around our area. I'm thankful she only threw up a few times and then stopped. Usually, when Anna is sick to her stomach, she can't stop and we end up in the hospital.
Okay, everyone who has been following this blog, or people who know me, know I don't like having a special needs child. It's not a blessing to me like it is for many parents. I'm tired and stressed and terribly frightened of the future. I often wonder what life would be like if God took Anna.
I confess I sometimes wish it would happen. In fact, I do pray He would take her before He takes me or before I can't take care of her anymore. I can't imagine Anna looking for me and asking for me and I'll never be there again for her.
I confess I often think I wouldn't grieve if she died. I believe I would feel relieved, for the most part. She affects every part of my life, mostly on the negative side. I often think how much I want my life back.
I confess I hate myself for feeling that way. But I'm scared to death of feeling the opposite, because then, if she would die before me, the pain would be too great to handle.
However, on Wednesday, I was at the computer and I realized I wasn't hearing any babbling, so I looked over and she was face down on the floor. I jumped up and lifted her head. Her eyes were wide open and she was stiff and tremoring – a tonic seizure – and she wasn't breathing. My reaction was immediate. I shouted for Daryl, "She's not breathing! She's not breathing!" and Daryl ran over and we rolled her over. Now, I know CPR, but in that instant, I totally blanked. We leaned over to listen when she suddenly drew a breath.
I cried.
I was terrified she would die right there on my living room floor. That I wouldn't be able to save her. That she would be gone. Forever.
I confess I was shocked to have this revelation! And a little relieved to know I'm a human mommy, after all. I do feel the love I should feel for my child. I'm not the bad mommy I believed I was.
Am I still stressed and frustrated? Sure. Is it now a blessing? Heck, no! But I'm looking at Anna with different eyes. I still pray she would not have to live without me. But I'm thankful God brought me this revelation. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders and my mind.
I confess I have slipped into my old thinking a couple of times, but mostly, I'm happy to wait on what God determines for me and Anna. And I'm happy to confess, I love my daughter a little differently now.
What do you have to confess? What are you struggling with? Believe me, I understand and I will pray for you. I hope you will contact me if you need to talk.
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