Pam Halter
Writing Editing Serving

Parents Blog

I Confess
3/17/2014 8:11:55 AM by: pam

Today's blog post is going to be really honest and raw. Please don't think less of me when you read it.

Last week, Anna was home sick from program because she caught that 24 hour stomach bug that's been going around our area. I'm thankful she only threw up a few times and then stopped. Usually, when Anna is sick to her stomach, she can't stop and we end up in the hospital.

Okay, everyone who has been following this blog, or people who know me, know I don't like having a special needs child. It's not a blessing to me like it is for many parents. I'm tired and stressed and terribly frightened of the future. I often wonder what life would be like if God took Anna.

I confess I sometimes wish it would happen. In fact, I do pray He would take her before He takes me or before I can't take care of her anymore. I can't imagine Anna looking for me and asking for me and I'll never be there again for her.

I confess I often think I wouldn't grieve if she died. I believe I would feel relieved, for the most part. She affects every part of my life, mostly on the negative side. I often think how much I want my life back.

I confess I hate myself for feeling that way. But I'm scared to death of feeling the opposite, because then, if she would die before me, the pain would be too great to handle.

However, on Wednesday, I was at the computer and I realized I wasn't hearing any babbling, so I looked over and she was face down on the floor. I jumped up and lifted her head.  Her eyes were wide open and she was stiff and tremoring – a tonic seizure – and she wasn't breathing. My reaction was immediate. I shouted for Daryl, "She's not breathing! She's not breathing!" and Daryl ran over and we rolled her over. Now, I know CPR, but in that instant, I totally blanked. We leaned over to listen when she suddenly drew a breath.

I cried.

I was terrified she would die right there on my living room floor. That I wouldn't be able to save her. That she would be gone. Forever.

I confess I was shocked to have this revelation! And a little relieved to know I'm a human mommy, after all. I do feel the love I should feel for my child. I'm not the bad mommy I believed I was.

Am I still stressed and frustrated? Sure. Is it now a blessing? Heck, no! But I'm looking at Anna with different eyes. I still pray she would not have to live without me. But I'm thankful God brought me this revelation. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders and my mind.

I confess I have slipped into my old thinking a couple of times, but mostly, I'm happy to wait on what God determines for me and Anna. And I'm happy to confess, I love my daughter a little differently now.

What do you have to confess? What are you struggling with? Believe me, I understand and I will pray for you. I hope you will contact me if you need to talk.


pam From At 3/24/2014 7:25:11 AM

Thanks, Susan. I blog these things so people WILL understand. And so that other parents won't feel alone. But we all struggle with our kids some days, don't we? No matter if they have a disability or not. It's just part of being a parent.

Susan From Home of the Little League World Series At 3/24/2014 7:14:08 AM

Your right Pam, it doesn't feel like a blessing most days, but it's love that drives us to keep going. There are many who don't understand what it is like to have a child who needs extra love and attention and those who are too afraid to speak out about their feelings. I'm glad you shared.

Laraine From Fairton, NJ At 3/17/2014 12:53:19 PM

Pam, I have always admired you and Daryl for what you do for Anna. You are a very special woman and God does watch over us and not give us more than we can handle. I guess that is why I never had a special needs child. God bless you and your family. Love Laraine

Loraine Kemp From Canada At 3/17/2014 12:25:00 PM

Pam, I'm humbled and amazed at your openness and honesty. You help others who have the same feelings but can't verbalize them for whatever reason. You ARE a good mom, and God loves you so much for all you do and say. Hugs!!

pam From At 3/17/2014 11:49:56 AM

Yeah, it's not always comfortable when God opens our eyes, but I'm thankful.

Susan From Chalfont, Pa At 3/17/2014 11:45:34 AM

Pammy, that must have been so hard to write but what you're going through is a help to those who are struggling. The frustrations faced daily can be so overwhelming. God opens our eyes in so many ways. It doesn't make it easy, but He keeps showing us how to depend on Him daily. Hugs!

pam From At 3/17/2014 11:22:52 AM

Thanks for that saying and thanks for always encouraging me!

Julie From Gettysburg, PA At 3/17/2014 9:24:13 AM

Your honesty is very much appreciated because you admit to things that others would be afraid to say, but actually do feel. You help others to feel human. I remember a saying I used to have on my mirror: Thinking and feeling are not the same as saying and doing.

Previous Posts

Encouragement from a fellow special mama
7/31/2020 3:36:00 PM  by: pam

A Sister's Love
5/16/2019 7:58:00 AM  by: pam

Medical Moms
1/26/2019 7:03:00 AM  by: pam

The Power of Doritos
5/7/2018 12:00:00 PM  by: pam

Yay For Friends!
1/9/2018 3:15:00 PM  by: pam

Show You!
9/11/2017 12:58:00 PM  by: pam

Happy? 26th Birthday, Anna
5/15/2017 7:37:00 AM  by: pam

3/14/2017 8:10:00 AM  by: pam

We can relate!
9/1/2016 8:00:00 AM  by: pam

A Little Fall Fun
10/18/2015 8:04:11 AM  by: pam

Going Commando
10/5/2015 6:37:04 PM  by: pam

So Behind
9/22/2015 8:42:33 AM  by: pam

Stares and Storytime
4/12/2015 7:12:46 AM  by: pam

Big Big Changes
3/27/2015 9:12:27 AM  by: pam

Blog Post on Autism
9/22/2014 7:30:14 AM  by: pam

The Power of Pets
9/12/2014 4:21:44 PM  by: pam

Depression's Demands
8/15/2014 2:19:26 PM  by: pam

Do We or Don't We?
8/4/2014 12:00:01 AM  by: pam

Falling Down
6/22/2014 1:36:52 PM  by: pam

Research Study
5/23/2014 12:48:08 PM  by: pam

Who goes? Who stays?
5/19/2014 12:11:51 PM  by: pam

Being Thankful
4/25/2014 7:37:26 AM  by: pam

Excellent Article
4/7/2014 7:03:09 AM  by: pam

Jury Duty and Holland
3/27/2014 7:36:35 AM  by: pam

I Confess
3/17/2014 8:11:55 AM  by: pam

The Dreaded Medication Change
3/4/2014 12:49:56 PM  by: pam

Keeping It Together - part seven
2/24/2014 1:03:18 PM  by: pam

Keeping it Together - part six
2/10/2014 8:20:16 AM  by: pam

A Milestone Day
2/3/2014 8:13:17 AM  by: pam

Keeping it together - part five
1/21/2014 6:43:18 AM  by: pam

Keeping It Together - part four
1/3/2014 7:56:02 AM  by: pam

Keeping it Together - part three
12/16/2013 7:34:46 AM  by: pam

Keeping it Together - part two
12/9/2013 6:30:25 AM  by: pam

Keeping it Together - part one
12/5/2013 8:00:03 AM  by: pam

Catching Up
11/13/2013 8:22:00 AM  by: pam

The Perfect House
10/25/2013 8:06:56 AM  by: pam

Another Mom in the Mix
10/7/2013 3:11:58 PM  by: pam

Grieving the Loss
9/24/2013 8:39:13 AM  by: pam

Great article
9/11/2013 1:06:06 PM  by: pam

This and That
9/9/2013 4:09:18 PM  by: pam

Fun in the ER
8/30/2013 9:17:32 AM  by: pam

Bless me, Anna!
8/14/2013 1:51:41 PM  by: pam

Talk to me, Anna!
8/8/2013 5:04:30 PM  by: pam

God's Will
7/30/2013 3:13:08 PM  by: pam

Update on Anna's bloodwork
7/24/2013 6:31:05 AM  by: pam

Stirring the Cesspool
7/11/2013 6:27:11 AM  by: pam

Vacation and Other Fun Stuff
7/3/2013 5:46:28 AM  by: pam

A Day at the Beach
6/17/2013 8:05:05 AM  by: pam

Anna's Surgery Experience
6/5/2013 12:03:49 PM  by: pam

No Place For Anna
5/26/2013 8:27:52 AM  by: pam

Painful Gifts
5/21/2013 8:56:57 AM  by: pam

Happy 22nd Birthday, Anna!
5/15/2013 6:48:55 AM  by: pam

A Rough Day
5/6/2013 6:18:44 AM  by: pam

Things I've Learned - part five
4/30/2013 8:02:08 AM  by: pam

Things I've Learned - part four
4/22/2013 6:51:41 AM  by: pam

Things I've Learned - part three
4/15/2013 6:14:06 AM  by: pam

Things I've Learned - part two
4/9/2013 7:40:11 AM  by: pam

Interview with Terri Groh
4/5/2013 5:44:08 AM  by: pam

Things I've Learned - part one
4/3/2013 7:55:42 AM  by: pam

The Things People Say - part eight
3/27/2013 6:06:08 AM  by: pam

3/18/2013 8:06:43 AM  by: pam

Why Is It A Blessing?
3/11/2013 6:24:04 AM  by: pam

Tim's Place
3/8/2013 11:57:02 AM  by: pam

New Medication Worries
3/5/2013 6:38:36 AM  by: pam

A Night Out for Anna
2/25/2013 11:29:44 AM  by: pam

Play it again, Sam
2/20/2013 5:47:32 AM  by: pam

Happy Birthday
2/15/2013 5:32:13 AM  by: pam

The Anna Bowl
2/4/2013 8:01:33 AM  by: pam

The Queen of Babble-on
1/30/2013 12:45:36 PM  by: pam

Really, people?
1/25/2013 7:36:11 AM  by: pam

Cold Feet
1/23/2013 7:55:46 AM  by: pam

Hearing God
1/15/2013 6:58:57 AM  by: pam

Running Away
1/10/2013 11:19:00 AM  by: pam

1/4/2013 6:49:36 AM  by: pam

Emmanuel, God With Us
12/17/2012 6:51:08 AM  by: pam

Take Heart
12/7/2012 4:42:07 AM  by: pam

Jumping in the Leaves
11/27/2012 5:56:16 AM  by: pam

Being Thankful
11/19/2012 7:02:07 AM  by: pam

Patience and Love and Wretchedness
11/13/2012 7:38:47 AM  by: pam

A Typical Halter Vacation
11/8/2012 8:35:45 AM  by: pam

Is This Really My Life?
11/1/2012 5:21:04 AM  by: pam

10/27/2012 4:22:45 PM  by: pam

A Small Victory at Anna's Program
10/24/2012 7:21:36 AM  by: pam

Update on the problem at Anna's program
10/22/2012 8:23:51 AM  by: pam

The Fight Goes On
10/19/2012 4:55:06 AM  by: pam

Fighting the Good Fight
10/18/2012 7:01:44 AM  by: pam

Sit down, Anna
10/16/2012 6:44:47 AM  by: pam

The Things People Say - conclusion
10/15/2012 8:32:45 AM  by: pam

The Cloaking Device
10/12/2012 6:22:27 AM  by: pam

The Things People Say - part seven
10/11/2012 5:56:56 AM  by: pam

The Things People Say - part six
10/10/2012 5:35:53 AM  by: pam

The Things People Say - part five
10/9/2012 6:59:06 AM  by: pam

The Things People Say - part four
10/4/2012 6:00:52 AM  by: pam

The Things People Say - part three
10/3/2012 6:09:22 AM  by: pam

The Things People Say - part two
10/2/2012 5:29:13 AM  by: pam

The Things People Say - part one
10/1/2012 7:52:27 AM  by: pam

Godzilla Lives at my House
9/27/2012 6:58:41 AM  by: pam

The Early Bird Gets Eaten
9/26/2012 5:22:30 AM  by: pam

Over and Over Again
9/25/2012 5:15:50 AM  by: pam

What Good Are Seizures?
9/21/2012 11:48:29 AM  by: pam

Why Me?
9/20/2012 8:37:32 AM  by: pam

The Rest of my Life?
9/19/2012 5:47:36 AM  by: pam

9/18/2012 1:23:56 PM  by: Pam