I have learned strength of will. During the first year of Anna’s seizures, I bawled my eyes out after every episode. Fifteen years later, I hold her through each one and ask the Lord for help. Most of the time, seizures are a general annoyance. Like a speed bump or hiccup. When I don’t fall apart, I can be there for Anna.
But it's still not easy. Just when I think I'm handling this thing well, she'll have a BIG seizure, or a different kind of seizure, or crack her head open, and I fall apart all over again. And I get so frustrated with myself over what I consider weakness. I'm used to seizures, after all, right?
The truth is you never get used to them. They become part of your life. You learn to handle them, expect them, and get through them. But you never get used to them. This has increased my strength of will and dependence on God. I am determined to help Anna, but so much is out of my control that no matter how strong my will is, I can't fix this.
Strength of will has helped me not only take care of Anna through her many seizures, but to also work to take care of myself. I have to be strong and healthy, although I have a long way to go with weight loss. I go to the gym, determined to try to slim down, and while I'm not losing weight right now, I'm sleeping better and my lower back doesn't hurt nearly as much. This helps me hold Anna through the more violent seizures when Daryl isn't there.
Then there's my faith and trust in my Heavenly Father. I don't have a clue as to why He hasn't healed Anna after years of the prayers of hundreds of people. But my strength of will helps me cling to Him, no matter how frustrated and confused I feel.
Most people wonder how I can handle it at all. I couldn’t in the beginning, but I have learned strength of will, even though I never asked for the lesson.
Encouragement from a fellow special mama
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Feelings
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