It happened to me again this weekend. Someone told me Anna was a blessing from God. Someone who doesn't have a special needs child. Those of you who know me know what this does to me. How it stabs me in the heart. Makes me feel sad and inadequate and ungrateful. See, I don't think having Anna is a blessing. Don't get me wrong – there are blessings God has brought along with Anna. But the situation is NOT a blessing. Not to me.
Anna will never grow up, get a job, get married, have children, drive a car, to go college, be able to dress herself, brush her own teeth, make her own food, have a conversation, tell me what she did at her program, have a play date, have a real date, take a walk by herself, sleep by herself, tie her own shoes . . . need I go on? How is this a blessing?
And we've talked about what will happen to her when I'm gone or too old to take care of her.
I have to take Anna on Tuesday to get an EKG. Yet another doctor visit I have to handle on my own. I resent that, too. I'm still waiting to hear from the neurologist about having the battery changed in her VNS. The neurosurgeon can't even consult with us until May 2nd. The battery will be dead by then! And I can't get the children's hospital to send her records to the new hematologist so we can have that in order before surgery. I need to schedule an eye doctor appointment, too, and let me tell you how much fun THAT is, taking Anna to the eye doctor by myself. And we're in the beginning of the joy of trying a new anti-seizure medication that has potential horrible side effects. Yeah, that's a blessing. If it works. Fifteen years of trying new medications and we're still having seizures.
Can you tell I'm feeling frustrated today? I can't even cry about it.
Why is this a blessing? Why is Anna a blessing? Why do you think having a child who suffers is a blessing? Why do people who don't have special needs children feel they have to tell us who do that we are blessed? I can't imagine they're wishing they had a disabled child, too!!
SIGH.
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