Can I say this? I hate being the parent of a special needs child. It never ends. It goes on and on and on. I want my life back. I don't want to do this anymore!!!! I'm sick and tired of the constant worry and frustration. I'm always on call. I never, EVER rest. And I'm SO tired, when I do stay in bed after Anna gets out, she inevitably has a seizure, falls down and gets hurts. I'm sick of doctor's offices, hospitals, blood work and ER runs. I'm tired of fighting with the school and child study team. I can't bear the thought she might outlive me. I can't stand cleaning up her messes, feeding her, brushing her teeth, getting her bathed and dressed and taking her to the potty.
Oh, and let's not forget her constant babbling. Sometimes, she'll say something I can understand, like, "aw, Mommy," (which she'll say 25 times before I tell her to stop) but most of the time it's words from a video or simply repetitive sounds. It's like Chinese water torture. I don’t want to do this for ONE MORE MINUTE.
SIGH.
Where is the blessing in a child with autism? Where is the blessing in a child so self absorbed, she doesn't even care about her own safety? All she knows is what she wants when she wants it. She cares nothing for anyone's feelings. She gives nothing back, except for an occasional hug – and that carries little weight when the responsibility and problems seem insurmountable. I want my life back. I want my life back. I want my life back!!
And on the heels of the frustration and pain comes guilt. You know what? I'm sick and tired of feeling guilty, too. I'm so tired of beating myself up over what I determine is a failure on my part to be a good Christian mommy. I'm tired of feeling judged by people who don't have a child like Anna. And I'm tired of the condescending attitude of parents who do – and seem to enjoy every minute with their child. Are they for real? I mean, I'm not putting them down. I wish I could get there. THAT would be a blessing.
Worry, stress, exhaustion, frustration, guilt. All these things rule most of my days. I get very little relief from them. When I do get a break, it doesn't last long before it all comes crashing back with a vengeance. Dear God, please help me!
The cry for help is where it starts. What you've just read is not how I feel every day, but there are times when it overwhelms me and I throw my head back and wail. It helps to get it out.
Where are you today? Share with us, if you want. The burden will grow lighter, and while the circumstances of your life won't change, you'll know someone has heard you.
Encouragement from a fellow special mama
7/31/2020 3:36:00 PM by: pam
A Sister's Love
5/16/2019 7:58:00 AM by: pam
Medical Moms
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The Power of Doritos
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Yay For Friends!
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Show You!
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Happy? 26th Birthday, Anna
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Re-grouping
3/14/2017 8:10:00 AM by: pam
We can relate!
9/1/2016 8:00:00 AM by: pam
A Little Fall Fun
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Going Commando
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So Behind
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Stares and Storytime
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Big Big Changes
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Blog Post on Autism
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The Power of Pets
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Depression's Demands
8/15/2014 2:19:26 PM by: pam
Do We or Don't We?
8/4/2014 12:00:01 AM by: pam
Falling Down
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Research Study
5/23/2014 12:48:08 PM by: pam
Who goes? Who stays?
5/19/2014 12:11:51 PM by: pam
Being Thankful
4/25/2014 7:37:26 AM by: pam
Excellent Article
4/7/2014 7:03:09 AM by: pam
Jury Duty and Holland
3/27/2014 7:36:35 AM by: pam
I Confess
3/17/2014 8:11:55 AM by: pam
The Dreaded Medication Change
3/4/2014 12:49:56 PM by: pam
Keeping It Together - part seven
2/24/2014 1:03:18 PM by: pam
Keeping it Together - part six
2/10/2014 8:20:16 AM by: pam
A Milestone Day
2/3/2014 8:13:17 AM by: pam
Keeping it together - part five
1/21/2014 6:43:18 AM by: pam
Keeping It Together - part four
1/3/2014 7:56:02 AM by: pam
Keeping it Together - part three
12/16/2013 7:34:46 AM by: pam
Keeping it Together - part two
12/9/2013 6:30:25 AM by: pam
Keeping it Together - part one
12/5/2013 8:00:03 AM by: pam
Catching Up
11/13/2013 8:22:00 AM by: pam
The Perfect House
10/25/2013 8:06:56 AM by: pam
Another Mom in the Mix
10/7/2013 3:11:58 PM by: pam
Grieving the Loss
9/24/2013 8:39:13 AM by: pam
Great article
9/11/2013 1:06:06 PM by: pam
This and That
9/9/2013 4:09:18 PM by: pam
Fun in the ER
8/30/2013 9:17:32 AM by: pam
Bless me, Anna!
8/14/2013 1:51:41 PM by: pam
Talk to me, Anna!
8/8/2013 5:04:30 PM by: pam
God's Will
7/30/2013 3:13:08 PM by: pam
Update on Anna's bloodwork
7/24/2013 6:31:05 AM by: pam
Stirring the Cesspool
7/11/2013 6:27:11 AM by: pam
Vacation and Other Fun Stuff
7/3/2013 5:46:28 AM by: pam
A Day at the Beach
6/17/2013 8:05:05 AM by: pam
Anna's Surgery Experience
6/5/2013 12:03:49 PM by: pam
No Place For Anna
5/26/2013 8:27:52 AM by: pam
Painful Gifts
5/21/2013 8:56:57 AM by: pam
Happy 22nd Birthday, Anna!
5/15/2013 6:48:55 AM by: pam
A Rough Day
5/6/2013 6:18:44 AM by: pam
Things I've Learned - part five
4/30/2013 8:02:08 AM by: pam
Things I've Learned - part four
4/22/2013 6:51:41 AM by: pam
Things I've Learned - part three
4/15/2013 6:14:06 AM by: pam
Things I've Learned - part two
4/9/2013 7:40:11 AM by: pam
Interview with Terri Groh
4/5/2013 5:44:08 AM by: pam
Things I've Learned - part one
4/3/2013 7:55:42 AM by: pam
The Things People Say - part eight
3/27/2013 6:06:08 AM by: pam
Comparisons
3/18/2013 8:06:43 AM by: pam
Why Is It A Blessing?
3/11/2013 6:24:04 AM by: pam
Tim's Place
3/8/2013 11:57:02 AM by: pam
New Medication Worries
3/5/2013 6:38:36 AM by: pam
A Night Out for Anna
2/25/2013 11:29:44 AM by: pam
Play it again, Sam
2/20/2013 5:47:32 AM by: pam
Happy Birthday
2/15/2013 5:32:13 AM by: pam
The Anna Bowl
2/4/2013 8:01:33 AM by: pam
The Queen of Babble-on
1/30/2013 12:45:36 PM by: pam
Really, people?
1/25/2013 7:36:11 AM by: pam
Cold Feet
1/23/2013 7:55:46 AM by: pam
Hearing God
1/15/2013 6:58:57 AM by: pam
Running Away
1/10/2013 11:19:00 AM by: pam
Post-Christmas-Reentry-Syndrome
1/4/2013 6:49:36 AM by: pam
Emmanuel, God With Us
12/17/2012 6:51:08 AM by: pam
Take Heart
12/7/2012 4:42:07 AM by: pam
Jumping in the Leaves
11/27/2012 5:56:16 AM by: pam
Being Thankful
11/19/2012 7:02:07 AM by: pam
Patience and Love and Wretchedness
11/13/2012 7:38:47 AM by: pam
A Typical Halter Vacation
11/8/2012 8:35:45 AM by: pam
Is This Really My Life?
11/1/2012 5:21:04 AM by: pam
Frankenstorm
10/27/2012 4:22:45 PM by: pam
A Small Victory at Anna's Program
10/24/2012 7:21:36 AM by: pam
Update on the problem at Anna's program
10/22/2012 8:23:51 AM by: pam
The Fight Goes On
10/19/2012 4:55:06 AM by: pam
Fighting the Good Fight
10/18/2012 7:01:44 AM by: pam
Sit down, Anna
10/16/2012 6:44:47 AM by: pam
The Things People Say - conclusion
10/15/2012 8:32:45 AM by: pam
The Cloaking Device
10/12/2012 6:22:27 AM by: pam
The Things People Say - part seven
10/11/2012 5:56:56 AM by: pam
The Things People Say - part six
10/10/2012 5:35:53 AM by: pam
The Things People Say - part five
10/9/2012 6:59:06 AM by: pam
The Things People Say - part four
10/4/2012 6:00:52 AM by: pam
The Things People Say - part three
10/3/2012 6:09:22 AM by: pam
The Things People Say - part two
10/2/2012 5:29:13 AM by: pam
The Things People Say - part one
10/1/2012 7:52:27 AM by: pam
Godzilla Lives at my House
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The Early Bird Gets Eaten
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Over and Over Again
9/25/2012 5:15:50 AM by: pam
What Good Are Seizures?
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Why Me?
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The Rest of my Life?
9/19/2012 5:47:36 AM by: pam
Feelings
9/18/2012 1:23:56 PM by: Pam